Walking away.
What do y’all think about when you’re at the end of your wits? The place where you feel stifled and oppressed? The place where you’re just so Goddamned tired of being responsible. So tired of looking into the disappointed eyes of your loved ones. You fucked it up again, Dee.
Do you ever imagine yourself just walking? Walking away? Like your life was a dirt path and you could just keep going? Going far, going long. Going to familiar places. Like that walk could answer all your questions? Answer the void left behind from so long ago…?
Cleveland Dam? Capilano Fish Hatcheries? The house where you ran away from, the house where you fled to? The memories of youth that grew up and grew out, only to leave you wanting? What do you do when you want to leave it all behind? When the restraints of this life bind you so tight that you want to scream? When you feel so weighed down by the expections of others? When you feel like it was all a farce, a fraud? That you really suck at all these endeavors? That the ones who believed in you were misled all along? That your life is really meaningless? And the ones who tell you otherwise are mistaken? That the difference you dreamed of making as a child, was just a fleeting glimpse of someone elses reality?
I’m in that place now. That flight path. The old run before you walk mode. It happens now and again. I wonder if it shall ever take hold. Take hold and allow me to walk away. Walk so far away from everything. Everyone. I wish sometimes, that the world would end. So that I may have an excuse to walk. Watch me now. Walking away.
To quote Mr. Blunt;
I’m so hollow baby. I’m so hollow. I’m so, I’m so, I’m so…hollow…
Annette said:
on June 20, 2006 at 1:33 am
I used to think about packing it in and hitting the road, years ago after my grandmother died. I was in a crap job in a crap town in a crap relationship at the time, tired of working 60 hour weeks for little pay at the ass end of the world, tired of everyone looking to me for all the answers, and tired of having to shoulder the world for other people.
The feeling comes back to me from time to time, washing over me like despair that will never end. But it does end, the world rights itself, and I am reminded of all the things that make what I do and how I live and who I love worthwhile.
Dee said:
on June 20, 2006 at 5:07 am
Ah, but today is brand new and that feeling has passed. Good thing, too. I’d hate to miss that big truck at work today! Haha.
Annette said:
on June 20, 2006 at 5:21 pm
Knew it would fade. But I bet you were looking forward to unloading that truck just as much as you look forward to pot roast!
Dee said:
on June 21, 2006 at 6:31 am
Between pot roast and worms, I’d pick…worms.