Dear Red States, we’re ticked off at the way you’ve treated California, and we’ve decided we’re leaving.  We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.

  In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
 
To sum up briefly:
 
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
 
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.We get Nancy Pelosi.  You get Sarah Palin.
 
We get the Statue of Liberty.  You get Wal-Mart.
 
We get Intel and Microsoft.  You get WorldCom.
 
We get Harvard.  You get Ole’ Miss.
 
We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs.  You get Alabama.
 
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.  You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
 
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families.  You get a bunch of single moms.
 
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.  If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.
 
They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home.
 
We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.
 
With the  Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of  the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines (you can serve  French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
 
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
 
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
 
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.
 
By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too.  You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

  My name is Dee Fortin and I intend to vote sensibly. I vote on the issues that affect me, my friends, my family, my dreams, my hopes for this great country. I will not stand silently by and watch a woman who has no interest beyond her own gun-toting, abortion opposing (even in the event of rape), earmarker of funds for Alaska, abuser of power, bridge to nowhere profiter, ex brother-in-law banishing, women’s rights bashing agenda. I believe in the strength and tenacity of women. I do not believe that Sarah Palin is among us. Her cutesy terms and admitted redneckism, Joe-shmo, hockey ho, perceptions have no place in the lives of hardworking Americans. THIS IS SCARY PEOPLE! The actuary tables don’t lie. SHE MIGHT BE PRESIDENT! I vote HELL NO in November. I shudder to think of the consequences of ignorant ballot casting. We must vote our conscience. Suffragettes lament in their graves knowing this woman is on any ballot, anywhere, despite their battles to grant us voting rights. I am pro-woman, but I am most surely anti-Palin. Let’s not be affected by John McCain’s desperate attempt at appealing to our solidarity as women. We cannot afford to be fooled.

 I will also be voting no on two. The constitutional amendment Article 1, new section, which prohibits, in a nut shell, marriage between any persons other than one man, one woman. Furthermore, Florida is the only state that specifically bans gays from adopting. I challenge any Floridian lawmaker (yes, you Governor Crist), to tell me to my face that I am ill-equipped, based soley on my sexual preference, to care for a child. I’ve been caring for YOUR high school dropouts since I moved here. This is a ludicrous and plain; ‘good ole boy’ redneck philosophy that needs to be expunged. I am here to change the minds of good American people who have sense. But I don’t do it by preaching fear and bigotry from atop an ignorant soapbox. I do it with grace, tolerance and intellect. As my constitution reads to me.

They place a black stocking over their head and act the fool. Or, at least that’s what my Grandmother used to say. Vern, you’re my chosen Dad. Stop acting like a goon and forcing me and Lu to walk two paces ahead o’ you at all times…showin’ up on the ten o’ clock news ‘n shit…Love you. Dork and all.

Here’s me and Lu. In the nosebleed section of our semi-season-ticketed seats. The very first quarter, before Hines got Ward-er.

 We spent the SunDAY cooking. Foraging through recipes.  Slurping and drooling over clear miso broths, brussells sprouts braised with a small little cross. Roasted veg and thinly sliced shallots. Lu picked out a fancy-shmancy, pear salad. I didn’t get to go cook on this night. I was busy it seems with making things right. I wasn’t successful as I head off to bed…but fuck it, I say, there’s still room for bread. Off on the highway, I’ll leave in the morning, don’t tell me y’all, I didn’t give you no warning…Peace out to you, I hope there’s no bull.. . Lu said my lasagna left y’all full.

See you on Sunday, when I figure it out. Meantime, I’ll drive and ponder and pout…

But the good news is this… La Caretta, is bliss. Bistec empanizado, plantain fritos y mojo. Pastalitos con guava y queso etc…yum. David’s Cafe on East Collin’s Ave. The South Beach hotties I can wake up and just…have.

 It’ll be all good, ‘cuz it’s what I do. See y’all there in spirit or two…