Damn, I just adore my friends.
I am an inappropriately ungrateful woman. Meaning that I am ever more concerned with myself than others. Especially those that I care about. This has been pointed out to me before. No, not last year, but decades ago. Selfish and mean are two words that found their way to my ears from more than one reliable source. Of course, those people didn’t themselves have those traits. Take Barb, for example.
I have, in my posession, a letter dated 1985. A four-pager, written in tiny hand. Explaining lovingly how and why she thought I was an ass. I keep it for posterity. And for days when I feel entitled or find myself slipping back…
…back to the Dee of old.
The Dee of old. No, no. I’m still the Dee that was. Selfish to the nth degree. But I occasionally get a reprieve. Sometimes the chunks of time are long and measured. Other times not.
An exerpt; “You can be so thoughtless and mean, Dee. Sometimes I feel that you love me with everything you have in you. Then other times you are so cruel. To be on the receiving end of that is the worst thing I’ve ever felt.”
’85, folks. 21 years ago. Fortunately, that person has agreed to let me communicate with her again. I did not deserve the generosity. I’m not trying to be a martyr or seek pity here. Not that at all. Perhaps I just need to remember that I have spent most of my life expecting things from people who loved me. People who owed me nothing. And I gave little in return.
But it’s today. I have new friends, new formations of family. A re-establishment of sisterhood. I was blessed. I’ve been given a gift that I did not earn. The meaning of grace, isn’t it? Something we get in spite of ourselves?
Take this past week for an example:
I had horrific, stifling car problems. I was rescued yet again, by Lu and Vern. Then a family whom owes me no loyalty. A family, a vision of unity and love that strikes me with awe every time I’m near. Eh-net and Charlene and Aubs and Gabs and…the boy.
Ask Barb, ask Lu, ask my staff. I’m probably the last name on a will-call list for favors that might inconvenience me. I don’t want to be that person, that assclown, any more.
I adore my friends and family. New and old. You guys stick around, despite my selfishness.
Thank you. You help me every day to distance myself from the Dee that was. It’s a battle. It’s a journey.
But I need you to know how grateful I am that you’re right here with me.
I love you.
Lu said:
on July 19, 2006 at 4:58 pm
It is good to be first at something today!
I know you will be happy to know that my sister is first on my ” call when Hell freezes over when I need help” list. You are second!
It seems you learned at an early age that if you just say “no” and come up with a lame excuse, or not, when asked for help, soon people stop asking. Lucky for you, Vernon and I never learned that lesson.
We do, however appreciate your loving care of Bonnie and Charles in the past so we could go on trips! It is nice to leave such important family members with someone we know loves them.
I am going to Alanon to get over this compunction I have to drop everything and run every time you have a crisis or problem. So far, that isn’t working either. I believe they call it enabling.
Audrey said:
on July 19, 2006 at 8:28 pm
Any one who can see enough in them selves to write this can’t be as bad as the Dee of old any more… She didn’t care then, but you do today. It is a journey, isn’t it? And stand by you I will, always and unconditionaly…
Dee said:
on July 20, 2006 at 6:04 am
I appreciate that, Oddery.
Annette said:
on July 21, 2006 at 9:26 pm
We are ever loyal to those we hold dear. That’s one of the benefits of being near the craziness that is this family. Of course, then you have to actually put up with us, but that’s an even enough trade.