Persistent acts of craziness. Warning; this entry may offend some.

There’s this girl, right. Met her in January this year. I thought perhaps that I was ready for that thing called dating. So after filtering through the characters I decided to intruduce myself to one of ’em. One that appeared to be smart, and definitely made me laugh. She kept up with my sarcastic lobs. Anyway, Goddammit if Cupid didn’t take aim at my ass. Again.
The first time we met, we stayed up all night talking. She explained why they call the quarterback the quarterback, I spoke of gross profit margins. It was refreshing. It’s been years since I’ve been on a date with a girl. The next time we met, she said she loved me. No, don’t adjust your glasses. She actually said that. It freaked me out. What? You WHAT me? Love? A term I KNOW is so often strewn about with no significant feeling behind it. A term I reserve for oh so few. But there it was, layed out in front of me like a blast of cold water to the face. I shoulda split then. Run off screaming and not looked back. But look back I did. Entered into that maelstrom of lust…

But here’s the thing; I actually wanted to play along. Like I could somehow alter my inherent failure at all things relationship. What an idiot. I admit it, folks, I’m human. I like the tactile contact with another human being on occasion. Whether it’s a genuine hug, cuddly sleeping position, or something more passionate. I just don’t want it to LIVE with me. I don’t want to commit myself to it. It took me a long time to realize that about myself. A long time to admit that I don’t want a partner. But play along, I did. And after that first couple of months, I began to see the reality of the situation. First off, I don’t love her. I care about her, but love? Not so much. Secondly, the infiltrations to all facets of my life really pissed me off. Thirdly, there’s no future in a thing when one person’s eyes are far off your horizon.
I told her as much. In no polite terms, either. In fact, I got downright rude. I wasn’t interested in a relationship beyond seeing her once or twice a month for those, you know, non-conversations.Yeah, I’m an ass. But an honest one, at least. She took it hard at first. Didn’t call me. No emails. Nothing. Then she phoned one night to enlighten me about her latest conclusions.
“You don’t want a relationship, I don’t want to date anyone else. So let’s just meet up where we DO communicate.”
I’ll leave it to y’all to ascertain where that playing field was.
I thought to myself; “Ok, this is cool. No pretentious bullshit, no sugar-coating.”
But damn, here it is June and she’s still trying to convince me that she loves me. And the last time she came for one of those clandestine adventures, I wasn’t in the “mood.” Imagine that. Me, not taking advantage of that there thang. And she was pissed! I won’t quote verbatim what she said to me, but suffice it to tell you that there were f-words invloved. Ha! And I thought all this time she was interested in my mind!
I don’t want to be in a relationship. Nope, not at all. Especially at this point in my life when things are so comfortable and easy. It’s enough for me to apply myself to my work and my family and my friends. My time is a precious commodity to me.
As it seems to be to her, too. My time, that is.
What would make someone sacrifice all that they profess to believe in for one or two nights a month?
You got me. I wouldn’t. It’s crazy, in my opinion.
I wouldn’t “date” me if my life depended on it.
But I’m still trapped in that place between what’s real and what’s dangerous.
I think I shall stand my ground, for the time being.
And look on, with amused skepticism.

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 10th, 2006 at 8:11 am and is filed under Girls. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.