It’s never too “latte,” I always say.
Posted by Dee on Nov 28 2009 | 17 Comments »
Oops, hang on a sec… Dropped my lathe on my foot there, buddy. Ouch. Horizontal axis rotating tools are surely a danger! Ask Lukey. I bet he knows…
There are bits and pieces and portions and parts of my life that I’ve not yet written down here on my “digital journal.” Years and months and ages of pages of me are omitted. No, not because of any lesser significance. Merely because I’m older now, more prone to the release of several measures of youth. Measures that I need to recall, but measures that goeth before my fall. I fell alot, y’all. And took prisoners along my descent. It’s just that I’m so far removed from that era, I forget so easily. I just don’t recognize that Dee anymore. But still-it behooves me to recall, if nothing more than a method by which to keep myself firmly planted in the garden of sense and rooted in the land of justice. Here we go kiddies…
Barb. 1995. What an eff-fest THAT was. I was a carbon-copy of a fiasco, those days.
Then came (anonymous). I saw her at the ball field and there/then was the beginning of my undoing. Schemed, planned, cavorted and manipulated my way to a first date. I tripped and fell into her without once looking ahead. Without ever looking back. Down the rabbit hole, Alice.
It’s been more than a decade since I’ve really put my mind to analysis about those days. But as I press and prod my brain to recall, it all comes readily back to my frontal lobe.
This is another one of those: ‘to be continued posts.’
Bummer. But I’m really weary this week.
I’m feeling beat down a bit and I very much miss my girl in Pa.
Nevertheless, I’ll continue this story. Probably tomorrow, since I have an entire glorious day to enjoy football and my narcissistic self. I have much to say on this very topic. No, silly. Not narcissism, Deeiscoolism!
See y’all then.
Ok, so I didn’t quite fit myself or my words into the aforementioned timetable. I must have needed to sleep because I missed a couple of other engagements too. Oh well. C’est la vie. The story WILL get told. (Without any persuasion from any peanut gallery attendees, either. Ahem!) No worries, I don’t often look backward with disdain. Only “aha” moments and life lessons. Except for that one time during a thunderstorm…
What would happen if…?
Posted by Dee on Nov 09 2009 | 4 Comments »
According to Helen, (intermittent nods of agreement, peppered by Al), I stirred up and created much angst over this repetitive question during my youth and beginning adolescence. Could I help it? No. I was a victim of a gene pool that I wasn’t made privy to.
But really…
What WOULD happen if?
What would happen if those dastardly Dee-maker’s never had left me? What would happen if folks never lied straight in my face? What would happen if you said what you felt? What would happen if you shoved a blue crayon up your nose? What would happen if JFK woulda ducked lower? What would happen if I wore a Vera Wang gown and I had a wedding day with you in it? What would happen if I just totally said Vera Wang when I’ve really no idea what that means? What would happen if Lolita scrunched her legs up underneath her and made me think she’s dying? What would happen if the girl who said she needs to; “just get herself well” really just needs to ask herself what would happen if that happened? What would happen if I said I loved you?
Nothing, you idiot. Because I’d never fucking say that in a blog…
I’d be brave enough to make you feel it, know it and get it. I’d mush your face in it like a Wisconsin snowball fight during the first shivers of winter.
Hey you! Can you hear me now when I ask your opinion in my educated and adult state? Can you undo your prejudice long enough to get me?
Nope, didn’t think so. But it’s okay. I have my own resources now. People/places/books and life tools with whom I treasure, people who try to find the answers to what would happen when I ask. No matter how juvenille and foolish they secretly think I am.
I always and ever want to know what would happen. That’s just me. Someone snuck an almanac into my petrie dish. I used the dictionary and encylopedia as floatation devices to swim upstream.
What would happen if I said I just don’t give a fuck anymore?
Would you still try to prove me wrong?
24 hours removed…
Posted by Dee on Nov 08 2009 | 4 Comments »
…and I feel better already. Sticking close to home now. Getting duped takes some getting used to. I’ve even managed to downgrade from $700 gifts to $300. Thanks for pointing that out, Ani. YES! I’ll be laughing again soon, my loves. Soon, I guarantee and certify it. I feel it already, and it’s only been a day. Your resident wise-ass can’t stay down for long. I won’t cheat my Dee-voted public outta any more sarcastic and witty wise-ass barf-o-logues than necessary.
Promise.
It’s smooth sailing from here on out…tick tock, time is a gift.
You (may or may not) have a friend in Pennsylvania.
Posted by Dee on Oct 27 2009 | 5 Comments »
No, Dork-O. I’m not talking about you. Although, you ARE my friend and you DO live in Pa and I AM grateful…
I have another friend. A friend who spent an entire vacay day lugging me around to various points of disinterest.
I like my friend. Even though she spills her coffee and acts all nervous and drives a truck bigger than my ego…bigger than life.
I like her cow lick. I like her hands and her smile on me. I hate that I couldn’t be a better host. That’s really not me. Not how I roll.
It’s nice though, despite all protests from my immediate peanut gallery, to hear someone, see someone and feel someone. Someone who actually LIKES me.
“WTF? Likes you? Seriously? Are you kidding, Deedle? Someone actually ‘likes’ you? Geez. (Deep and forlorn sigh). You mean you’re worthy of such enrichment? Yes, yes, I know. I realize that for years I’ve been lecturing you about the ifs ands or buts and the ups and downs and the there and back agains of lonliness and solitude and downright wrongness of ’single-ness’. But I really wasn’t prepared for you to listen! …”
Your ridiculous cacauphony of stupidity is resonating now. In my cavernous ears I’m ignoring you…
Y’all bitch and moan over my years of isolation. You moan and bitch over my recent acquisition. I’ve acquired nothing, you fools. Nothing at all.
I got to have a nice day. Nothing more. I just got to have a nice fucking day. You won’t have to search your mailboxes for the wedding invitation. No need to go off in search of the registrar at Bed Bath and Buttholes, either. A nice day. You get that? A nice goddamned day.
A kind person was generous and loving and open to me. Brought me 10 Yankee hats, even.
Get the fuck off. Get off my case. Because you know there ain’t no pleasing you. And I won’t even lift a finger to try anymore.
If you think you’re losing me, in whatever capacity you might perceive, you’re not. You never were, you never have, you never will.
I’m just asking that you, for once, feel happy for me.
I have a friend in Pennsylvania. And if you play your cards right, you will too.
Enough already, y’all. Really. Enough.
I had a good day. That’s good enough for me.
Solo…So low I can’t hear me.
Posted by Dee on Oct 18 2009 | Comment now »
I went to a wedding last night. Yep, against my mantra. You know the one…”marriage is the leading cause of divorce in this country.”
I went because it was important to my family. Important then, obviously, to me. I watched Lu and Vern walk down that same aisle, same church, years ago. But this felt different to me somehow. Why?
Perhaps because the groom and bride were closer to me in age? Was it because I sat alone-as I have so many times before-in that looooong wooden pew? I bet it really had more to do with a certain “grill” of a girl, I’ve been up in these days. The one who lives away…away from here. I felt the lonely in me last night. I truly did. It felt ouchy, even.
I didn’t plan for it, really. I never do. But we shook hands just then, and…well…it began.
I feel whacked out and crazy of late. Don’t ask me why. I prefer the quiet and steady calm control of my lazy days. Since years ago, many many years ago. I gave up on the Disney fantasy that forces its bullshit into our brains and the brains of our children about ‘true love.’
“ No, my dear. Snow White is just not effin’ real. Build a bridge…and get over it.”
For me, it’s about trust. If I trust you, we’re good. You got me. We’re on. On like Donkey Kong. But when you lie? It’s off. But that’s just me, it’s how I roll. Can’t seem to help it. Not that I’ve ever really tried. Never cared if it wasn’t cool with you, (just as effed up as why I don’t date smokers or kiss girls who are drunk) I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense. Good for you if you know I’m a hippocrite…
I guess I have to admit that when I start out in bullshit, I can only hope to end up wiping myself clean. I’m really NOT the moral litmus test for your life. I never gave a shit about your husband, wife or partner. Only cared about myself in its midst…
…Until today. But only because it takes away my perception of control. Yes, I realize that control is an illusion, Dr. Freud! Nevertheless…
…did I mention that I hate girls? Just stay away from me please. I’m good, I’m fine. Fine without you, really. I have my dog and my friends and my family to hug. Oh, and I almost forgot about my bug to lug. Lolita is easy, unlike you. She needs what she needs, plain and simple. She never dresses up in fancy shoes or pleated pants. She doesn’t ever doubt me or ask if I’m true.
Unlike so many of you…
Please just leave me alone. I’m fine. I’m good. Really. Was good and fine until September…
Let’s unshake and leave it at that.
I fancied myself willing, but really I’m not that interested…
Life, so low, is just where I wanna live.
(The risk outweighs the reward) And that’s just fine with me.
I just don’t love you anymore…
Posted by Dee on Oct 01 2009 | 1 Comment »
Well, that’s a lie. I really do still love you.
I WAS ever faithful and true to you. But I really shouldn’t love you anymore. I can’t love and love and love for so long without the slightest nod or glance in my direction.
I’m fixin’ to cheat on you. Ready to split. You aren’t the gal I fell in love with and you’ve manifested someone elses destiny. I did plan on staying true and faithful.
You-the longest run I’ve ever been on. Me-the shortest distance I’ve ever gone.
God, I really thought you and I could weather the long mile. That we could face together any hurdle, speedbump or girl in tight jeans. What a heartbreaker you turned out to be. And all along I thought it was me…
I just can’t love you anymore. You’ve bent over my friends and bent over me and had your ass end way with us. You never asked if it was okay. You just effed them and effed me while we nodded and went along. Oblivious and hope-filled. You aren’t who we fought for, you aren’t who we knew. You aren’t even a shadow of what we used to pursue.
I can’t know for certain if I can ever reclaim you. Can’t know for sure if you ever really cared.
What a sad state of affairs we both are enduring… You want me to deliver on promises you can’t afford, and I want to be paid in dividends I shoulda long ago scored.
So here we stand, toe to toe. Face to face. What’s left to say?
A heartbreaker for sure, I’ve loved you so long. You were my home-girl, my aria, my ballad and song.
I’ve decided now to take leave of your company…
But as we all know, you left me first-
which in my little universe, is far, far worse.
Faretheewell my KC bright star,
I’ve adored you up close-but will hate you from afar…
Absent for a time…
Posted by Dee on Sep 22 2009 | 2 Comments »
Since my initiation into Effbook, I’ve been noticeably absent from this place. I missed it, though. Like an old blanket, weathered and tattered. It’s good to get back. It’s good to come home. It feels nice here. Comforting and warm amidst my wordful journey. I feel a bit like I’ve cheated you, though. Haven’t been as faithful to you as I should. Cheating myself, really. Cheating myself out of my story these days. I suppose I ought to accumulate my words into a long and impressive sentence. I’ll do just that. Right after the worn and weary blanket and me become re-acquainted…
Spying daisies
Posted by Dee on Mar 07 2009 | 1 Comment »
I went to the park
to watch the daisies grow.
How green and strong in springtime light.
I thought of you
and named a daisy Gracie.
As I sat and joined in song
I could’ve sworn the daisy watched me.
I left the park just then
feeling like the world
was pollinating again.
I’m not racial.
Posted by Dee on Feb 22 2009 | 1 Comment »
“…no, really. I’m not.”
Ah, but the complexities of ignorance do prevail.
So we hired a kid. Nothing unusual there. Her first job, parental control, seventeen and in the 9th grade-you recognize the drill. I am convinced that troubled and deviant kids are God’s way of speaking to my inner ear. “Dee. Hear me now. Who, exactly, were YOU at 16?’ I always assign these kids a 50/50 chance. Fifty percent of them are the perfect blank canvas, fifty percent spin out into oblivion. This girl, was in neither category…
I suppose a few alarm bells rang out in me when both parents dropped her off on the first day of her first job. Yes, I DID give her my standard army issue speech about hiring HER and not her parents. Too many weird and bizarre experiences with parents in my history have forced me to incorporate this line into my hiring dialogue.
Despite my internal notifications, Ie; paying way too much attention to her hair with her right hand and leaning on the counter while listening to our instruction, I left for the night.
Flag, flag, flag.
Flag alerts compel me to phone the store later that night. “Hey, Benji. How’s the new girl doing?”
“Um…well, Dee, I don’t think she’s for us.”
“Really, Ben? Why?”
So my new assistant who, by the way, just turned 19 last month, proceeds to clue me in.
“I thanked a group of people for coming in, (an important part of our customer service repertoire is thanking folks whether they purchase something or not) and I told [so and so] that we have to exit greet people as part of our job.”
“Ok, Ben. Then what happened?”
“Well, she said that she wasn’t gonna talk to those people. I asked her why because I thought they might have been rude to her or something. She said; ” I don’t like black people. They smell and have greasy hair and they don’t take care of themselves.”
Obviously, I was flabbergasted. How does a 17 year old child living in THIS EFFING CENTURY insouciantly make a statement like that?
I have encountered many people during my 20+ years here in the South that have blown my mind. My first mgr at KCI said he hated gay people. His wife used racial epithets often. I was crushed. But those episodes of idiocy occured 14 years ago. I get that racism is alive and well in this country, especially in the South, but is it spoken out loud with such impunity? Seriously? I thought (wrongly) that cowardly haters kept their mouths shut.
I phoned her parents. (Rule #3-never talk to the parents. But in this case I made an exception). I explained to the Mom why her daughter was starting and ending a job on the same day. She was confused. “But Miss Dee, we’re not racial.”
You’re not WHAT? You’re not racial? Geez, lady. You’re not literate, either.
I had to, I just HAD TO speak with the daughter. “You came in to the store with your best friend the other day to finalize your paperwork. Her grandparents drove y’all up here. Your best friend is black. Please tell me how you think she’d feel knowing what you said tonight.”
“I don’t know, Dee. I guess she would be hurt. But I’m NOT racial.”
There you have it. Those folks are not racial. You heard it here.
It blows my mind to hear this shit STILL. It’s twenty-0-nine people! WTF?
If there is a silver lining in all of this, it’s Benji. He’s only two years older than the; “I’m not racial,” person and he has values and guts that speak to him through injustice. I’m proud of him for feeling uncomfortable. I’m proud of him for growing up in a county (yes, county) that has more than its share of ignorant philosophies and accepting that we all live on this planet together-no better, no worse. He understands equality.
Our company does too. We do not discriminate. Our clever HR folks even snuck the ’sexual orientation’ clause into our policy. God knows, I’ve heard plenty of gay-hating lingo over the years. Good to know that we work for a company that stands up, and rightly so.
As for so-and-so, the ex-employee… I hope she can one day realize that we are ALL racial, but racists are a dying breed. There is no ‘cool-factor’ involved with blatant ignorance. Not now, not ever.